Comfort without the clichés: Eight ways to help hurting friends

“It will be all right,”
“I believe God will bring healing,”
“You’re a strong person, I know you will get through this,”
“I’ll pray you get better and that this will all come to an end”.

In my long battle with chronic pain, I’ve heard all these and more. These statements are well meaning and do contain partial truths, but they always fall short of offering any real, lasting comfort.

What we really believe shapes what we actually say, both to ourselves and to others. If we believe the wrong thing, we will say the wrong thing, and end up resorting to quasi-Christian clichés (which offer false hope) or to never having anything to say at all to those who are hurting (which offers no hope).

Paul teaches us that no matter what circumstances or company we may find ourselves in, our message of hope should confidently remain the same:

“Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, ‘I believed, and so I spoke,’ we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.” (2 Corinthians 4 v 13-14)

Trace Paul’s logic in these verses. He believes that Christ has risen to eternal life, and so one day he will raise Paul to eternal life. So this is what he speaks of, for the sake of his listeners coming to understand and appreciate grace, and the sake of his God coming to receive the thanksgiving he so richly and infinitely deserves.

If we believe in resurrection hope, we will speak that hope into the lives of others.

If we believe in resurrection hope, we will speak that hope into the lives of others. One of the most crucial times for us to share this truth is when we are walking alongside a brother or sister who is suffering and struggling to see this hope for themselves.

Christ's Comfort is Better Than Commiseration

As I have endured years of physical pain, heartache, and loss, I have come to learn that nothing can replace what’s been lost, or repair what’s been broken, apart from Christ. But instead of the Lord comforting me by removing the pain and reversing the loss of my worldly hopes, he has comforted me with his presence and secure future hope. In his grace, he has not only comforted me through his word and promises but through brothers and sisters in Christ who walk this journey with me. It is out of these comforts that I can turn to someone else and offer that same comfort (2 Corinthians 1 v 3-5).

Comforting another person in their pain is not simply commiserating with them, and it may not always mean agreeing with them. It is speaking the truths of the gospel that we ourselves have found of greater value than any earthly comfort. We need to point to God’s promises while being real about the present. Instead of telling them it will be alright and life will get easier (you don’t know that), we can comfort them with the truth that not a second of their pain will be wasted, and that when Christ returns, there will not be one more second of pain or heartache (you can know that!).

We need to point to God’s promises while being real about the present.

Although we may not be able to make sense of what someone else is going through, Christ promises that as they choose to trust him (even if their faith is hanging by a thread), he will faithfully use those trials to accomplish his good and loving purposes in their life and the lives of those around them. We may not be able to offer answers or temporary solutions that ease their pain, but we can bring the comfort of Christ and the eternal value of suffering with him.

Christ's Comfort is Better Than Your Experience

Not everyone grieves or responds to suffering in the same way or time frame that we do. In fact, no one responds in exactly the same way as you do. So if we seek to comfort only through our own experiences, we are bound to say the wrong thing, offer nothing more than temporal comfort, and possibly even obscure or undo the gospel comfort others are seeking to share with them.

This is why, I think, we are often speechless and feel we have nothing to say when someone we love is hurting. But we do have something to say! Not out of our own reserves of wisdom or experience alone, but out of the treasures of the gospel.

So how does this look practically?

• We need to be slow to judge whether they are suffering “well,” and quick to grieve and mourn alongside of them.
• We need to be slow to speak the “truths” we think they need to hear, and quick to discern and pray about encouraging them with Scripture and God’s promises.
• We need to be slow to impatience, and quick to learn how to be long-suffering.
• We need to be slow to run away from the discomfort of entering another’s pain, and quick to allow God to use their suffering to grow our own faith.
• We need to be slow to speak our opinions and solutions, and quick to listen and hear their heart.
• We need to be slow to do the minimum and quick to serve in ways God calls us to, even if it takes sacrifice. (This does not mean we must say yes to all needs!)
• We need to be slow to view the other’s suffering as their problem, and quick to see the other’s suffering as a privilege in which we can love, serve, and be mutually blessed by the body of Christ.
• We need to be slow to believe that we are aren’t equipped to help and quick to comfort with the unique gifts and personality that God has given us. (If you are good at crafts, make an encouraging gift. If you are hands-on, offer to help with work around the house. If you like writing, send a note of how you see Christ working in their life.)

You Are Not the Savior

You cannot fix it. Loving the hurting opens us up to the temptation to see ourselves as the sufferer’s personal savior. But they do not need you—they need Christ. Comfort is about redirecting someone to seek what they need in Christ first and not in you. Comfort is not about always being there for someone; it is about reminding someone that Christ is always there for them.

Comfort is about redirecting someone to seek what they need in Christ first and not in you.

This frees us from a burden we weren’t meant to carry. It frees us to speak truth and show love but not to feel guilty about what we cannot manage or cannot solve. You are not their Savior. God is not expecting you to be—he already sent Another to do that job.

This is adapted from Hope When It Hurts: Biblical Reflections to Help You Grasp God’s Purpose in Your Suffering by Kristen Wetherell and Sarah Walton. This beautiful cloth-bound hardback book is a great gift to help hurting friends fix their eyes on Christ.

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