5 ways to talk about porn to our teens

"We know from the facts and figures the average age of starting to watch pornography is about 11." So runs a sentence in a recent BBC article.

Of course, not every 11 year old is watching porn. But it seems some are. And as children progress through their teens, it is more and more likely that they will engage with pornographic material. There's so much out there - in magazines, in books and, above all, on the internet. No longer are our adolescents having to sneak mags off the top shelf and hide them under their beds, there's a whole world of explicit material just a click away. And - unless internet accountability systems are put in place - a simple "clear browser history" manoeuvre often hides the evidence from the responsible adults of the house.

Much as it would be convenient to do so, it would be unwise to assume that children from Christian homes are immune from such temptation. Whether it's driven by natural curiosity about the sexual experience (which every child has at some stage) or peer pressure to conform to the porn-watching that slips somewhat un-naturally between video-games and eating chocolate at teenage sleepovers, some of our young people will be confronted with the sorts of images that make our hearts sink.

So what's the answer? The Sex Education Forum wants to see UK teachers discussing pornography with children aged 14 and above in schools - promoting discussion of gender, identity and media (to name but a few angles). They want children to know the dangers of pornography but also to see what is helpful in it too. Yes, you read that correctly - to see what is helpful in it too.

It would be tempting to rant momentarily about the secular relativisation that so relentlessly seeks to affirm the sexualisation of the young and the creation of a society where it's unacceptable to say anything is wrong. But at the moment there is no discernible ground-swell to turn that recommendation into reality, so I thought instead we could turn the spotlight on ourselves and ask the more pertinent question, "How should we be talking to our teens (and pre-teens) about porn?" Because talk we must if we are to avoid the situation where our young people are dealing with this issue without our help.

Here are my 5 initial thoughts - you might like to add anything I've missed:

• Talk lovingly - any difficult conversation needs to come in the context of love. Our children need to know that God, their family and their church family adore them and the conversation is being motivated by a desire for their well-being not a desire to control them or rant about the evils of the world. And that love needs to be explicit not implicit because teenagers are all too talented at missing the fact that adults genuinely care about them.
• Talk appropriately - while the topic may make us uncomfortable as individuals, it's a real issue and as such needs to be talked about directly. It is, of course, important to be age-appropriate but, more crucially, it is essential to be child-focused. Some 10 year olds are very aware of sexual matters, some 17 year olds are naive and we need to leave aside what we would like to think the children in our family / church family know and meet them where they are actually at. We can ask what contact they have had already with pornographic material. And what their friends are saying too. We may be shocked but it's best to know.
• Talk truthfully - there are good things about the Sex Education Forum's recommendations and that includes teaching children that porn is acting - it's not real and does not reflect normal sexual practice. It's scripted, staged and, at times, coerced. Our young people need to know this clearly.
• Talk biblically - they need to know what God's good design for sex actually is so they can spot any deviation from that with ease. They need to be able to spot temptation. And call sin, "sin". But they also need to know how perfect the God of the Bible's designs are and how full of grace he is when his children move away from his good purposes. A framework of creation - sin - mercy needs to thread through all our conversation.
• Talk aspirationally - they need to know that purity is possible, peer-pressure can be resisted and that help is available - from God himself and from the wider Christian community.