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Books have been written on how best to support people who self-harm (and I suppose I could do a shameless plug for my Grove Book on the subject!). We don’t have the space to go into detail on a blog. But here are our ten top tips for supporting those who struggle:
Spend time thinking about what the person has been through and listening to them talk. How have they been sinned against? What distorted views do they hold about themselves and God? Are they using self-harm to try to bring cleansing / control / sensation or punishment (see Tuesday’s post)?
Be diligent in revealing what Scripture says to be true about God and his people. Help dispel the distorted beliefs they hold. Read the Bible together, learn memory verses and use every opportunity to speak God’s transformational words of life.
Always be caring, encouraging and willing to offer appropriate hospitality to those who struggle. Enacted biblical truth is as powerful as taught biblical truth.
Keep in mind that real and lasting change requires a work of the Spirit. So pray for God to be at work in the heart of the person you a supporting.
A quick read of the book of Amos reminds us that God gets angry when his children are treated badly. Romans 12 reminds us it’s good to weep with those who weep. Don’t be scared to let people express their deep hurts and don’t be scared to empathize.
Enact good, common sense strategies. Encourage people to go for a run / write a song / text a friend / bake some bread if the temptation to self-harm hits.
Get others involved. They will have different gifts, will be available at different times of the day… and it’s a privilege to work together. You wont necessarily have to tell them all the other person’s personal struggles – just nudge them to get involved. It’s a good idea for someone in the church to liaise with the person’s GP too – just to keep any medical matters under review.
You may not be self-harming yourself but you will have your own struggles. We all do! So don’t think of yourself as the strong person rescuing the weak – acknowledge that you are a fellow fallen-yet-forgiven Christian aiming to encourage someone else. And avoid getting into an intense pastoral relationship with someone of the opposite gender and saying things like “call any time”. Pastoral care doesn’t work well if one person gets dependent or exhausted.
Don’t give up. Someone recovering from self-harm may slip up many times before finally breaking free of self-harm. Don’t despair. Keep encouraging.
The person you are supporting is just that – a person – not a pastoral project. So do make sure you spend time relaxing and laughing together too!
Julia