Biblical wisdom for getting along with family during the holidays

Spending time with family can be, well, hard.

Even if you have great relationships with the people you spend your holidays with, they may have expectations you can’t (or don’t want to) live up to. You may get picked on for being the youngest, or the oldest, or otherwise black sheep-ish.

Jesus experienced this reality, too. 

In Mark 6:3-4, the folks in Jesus’ hometown were offended by his teachings because they watched him grow up. Jesus experienced reunions like the following:

Then they scoffed, “He’s just a carpenter, the son of Mary and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas, and Simon. And his sisters live right here among us.” They were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.

Then Jesus told them, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family.” 

Because of these people’s doubts, Jesus did not perform more than a few miracles in Nazareth. But he didn’t try to change their minds. He didn’t stick around to prove himself, measure up, or boost his self-esteem by winning over a critical crowd. He just left.

"We won’t always be perfectly at peace with everyone, because peace doesn’t just depend on us—it depends on them too. That means we sometimes have to set boundaries in our interactions with people who just won’t be peaceable."

Setting Boundaries (In Love)

Skipping out on your hometown may not be the most helpful advice in many situations, especially during the holiday season. But the way that Jesus showed up for his family in the first place, and his subsequent reaction, does give helpful insight into how we can set the right boundaries when family is hard.

Jesus healed the sick in his hometown. He taught good, wonderful truths. He looked after his family—immediately before he cried “it is finished” on the cross, he exhorted John to take care of his mother (John 19:26-27). But he sometimes left a town, like the one he grew up in, or advised his disciples to shake the dust off their feet and walk away from certain situations.

We, too, won’t always win everyone over. We won’t always be perfectly at peace with everyone, because peace doesn’t just depend on us—it depends on them too. That means we sometimes have to set boundaries in our interactions with people who just won’t be peaceable.

Setting a boundary might look like:

Spending some time with family, and some time without.

Sticking around but not participating in certain conversations.

Leaving the nest in order to grow, even while you love those who raised you.

Remembering What Love is Like

Whatever boundaries are required to live in peace with your family, remember what it means to love them:

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud
It does not demand its own way.
It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Love is equal parts kindness and truth, selflessness and confidence. Embodying this idea can make it easier to get through family conflict over holiday dinner, especially when you might be tempted to be jealous, boastful, proud or rude.

A Step Out of Conflict

Establishing boundaries may seem cold at first, but it can actually be a step toward reconciliation. In her book I Forgive You, Wendy Alsup argues that "we won't all get along until we have been honest about what brought us to the place of conflict to begin with" (p 50). Being honest with a loved one—or with yourself—about the ways their actions are harming you is actually loving: it communicates that you value that relationship enough to actively engage with it. Establishing certain boundaries is one way of communicating this—as long as you do it in a way that fits in with the definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13.

Let’s not be afraid to set boundaries in love this holiday season. But let’s also be diligent in praying that the Lord would work through us to bring true peace and reconciliation.