Compared to her: Spotting the symptoms

The way we spot the existence of CCS in us is via the signs—the feelings—it produces.

When you compare yourself with someone and they come off better than you, how do you feel?

And when you compare yourself with someone and come off better than them, what feelings does that produce?

When we compare ourselves with others, we’ll either “lose” or “win”. If we lose, we’ll find ourselves doing a “looking-up comparison”. We might think: “Her children are so much better behaved than mine” or: “She’s so much more confident than me” or: “I wish I had her house”.

If we win, then we’ll do a “looking-down comparison”. “My kids have better manners than hers”; “I’m glad I’m not as graceless as she is”; “I’d never let my house get into that state”. And looking-up comparisons and looking-down comparisons each produce a different set of symptoms…

Looking up: How do you feel when you compare and come off worse? Let me tell you the symptoms it produces in me; perhaps you’ll recognise some of them in yourself:

Inadequacy, despair, self-pity: It may be a fleeting sense—or a profound, overwhelming feeling. You’re not the person you could be, should be, or want to be. You’re just not good enough. And you never will be. There’s no point in trying. What makes you feel like that?

Envy: It’s not fair. They’ve got what you want—so you want what they’ve got. And you dislike them a little for having it. Deep down, you’d rather that neither of you had it than that they had it and you didn’t. How come they get to have what you need to be significant, or satisfied, or secure?

Anxiety, insecurity: You’re not doing as well as others. And so you don’t have what you need to cope with life. How can you possibly cope with what tomorrow throws at you? Your pulse races and you feel the tears well up whenever you think about the future. If only you were as confident, or wealthy, or energetic, or loved-up as that friend or co-worker, there’d be no need to worry. But you’re not.

Guilt: You’ve let others down. You’re not the daughter, or wife, or mother you should be. Your family, friends or co-workers need you to be as good as the person you’re comparing yourself with—but you’re not. You’re failing those you love. So perhaps they won’t keep loving you now…

Bitterness, grumbling: We can get bitter with other people, and grumble about all sorts of things. But in the Bible, bitterness and grumbling tend to be directed at God, and that’s how I’m using these two words in this book. So bitterness is thinking: “Why did God give me this life, when He has given so much more to others?” “Why did He hold back what I need to be happy, or useful, or secure?” And bitterness tends to lead to grumbling to Him: “God, if You knew what You were doing, You’d have made me more like that other woman. If You really loved me, You wouldn’t have given me this unfair deal in life.”

Or it leads to us ignoring God altogether—because if there were a God, He wouldn’t have made you like this, and given you this life. If there is a good God, He’d have made you more like that other person.

Looking down: But isn’t the treatment for looking-up symptoms simply to get ourselves a life which means that, when we compare ourselves to others, we come off better? Not really… Here are the symptoms of looking-down comparisons:

Pride, arrogance: You’re just so much better than that other woman. You’d just never let your hair/house/husband look like that. Deep down, you’re relieved you don’t suffer from their awkwardness, their dress sense, their lack of self-discipline. Well done you, for getting yourself the life you have. On your own merits, you’ve done so much better. When we see this kind of self-sufficient self-congratulation in others, we usually call it “arrogance”. When I see it in myself, I like to call it “self-confidence”! The Bible usually labels it “pride”.

Superiority: Pride in yourself leads to a sense of superiority over others. After all, you’ve got what she hasn’t, so you are, in a sense, better than her, aren’t you? You meet standards that she simply doesn’t. You’re glad you’re not like her. 

Again, when I see this in myself, I call it “discernment”. In others, I label it as what it is: judgmentalism.

Inverted superiority: You’re glad you’re not as arrogant as her, and don’t look down on others in the way that she does. You’re relieved your family isn’t as flashy or stuck-up or prejudiced as theirs. You feel superior that you don’t feel so superior as them!

Entitlement: Since you’re better than others, you deserve better than others. When it comes to God, He ought to give you good things in this life. After all, you deserve it—you’re a decent person, or you do good things each day, or you stick to religious rules. And you know you’re doing well at this, because others don’t do it as well as you.

Insecurity and anxiety: You’re doing better than her… but how about the next person you compare yourself with? What if they’re doing better than you? Or what if you lose the possession or circumstance or quality that allows you to compare well to others? It only takes illness, or injury, or bereavement, or a financial crash and you’ll lose everything that makes you you. And any of those things could happen tomorrow. Of course you’re anxious, deep down!

CCS leaves me walking away from that woman in the shopping centre feeling arrogance, or superiority, or envy and despair. And I didn't want to experience any of those emotions!

Sound familiar? 

On the blog tomorrow: How CCS impacts our relationships

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